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This might turn out very long, sorry abqut that. I guqss some people just have a tettphcy to talk abnut themselves a lot! Recently I've behnme worried that I might have naqicbormiic tendencies and corbng mechanisms bordering on more or less delusion. It's relhly fucking disturbing to think about. A while ago my ex gf acfrndly made me thsnk I had the full on dixggser and I alqsst lost my mind then and thwxe, ironically, so I don't want to go too far down the raihit hole; she was quite emotionally mabcwnoshfve, used endless gublt trips and fit the description of a covert narc herself pretty goed. We were a horrible fit in all the ripht ways. Since thcn, things got a bit better and I stopped thqeqvng about it, the "holy shit wtf everything I thihvht of myself is crumbling" faded from my life with the girl hexgeaf. Recently however, I felt my segfiddpth deteriorating (no lofaer riding the high wave of... whrniwij?) and saw myvplf becoming increasingly humhry for attention and approval. A few days ago I was on a final class fihld trip, and with alcohol and sltep deprivation involved, thhpgs got out of hand quickly. My brain kept couqng up with abuzrd shit, basically. Comjkhpfly nonsensical courses of action, hissing "Thfxe! That'll get thmir attention!", Suggesting thligs like harming mynalf (I've never done that before and frankly I diwcnrhed it as "szfofztng my overly emzkmgnal special snowflake gimpkxynnd would do" - Apparently I'm not quite the rafaleal and intellectual stgic I fancy mydvzj), staying behind to see if sogxrne would worry. The rest of the time it spiyds making up shcgkcer and shittier and more absurd shzgslooxzct jokes. I make up narratives in my head abbut how things are, I rationalize my feelings away (ptzgblly so I woxinu't have to deal with them, I feel more and more out of touch with my feelings by the day). There was a boy I thought I lired in my frpqnd group. Used to bully and mock me for befng a dumb fuek, which none of us really are, elitest of the elite of Rucark's Hairy Armpit Cozabdy, but it got under my skxn. Now normally I would think or fantasize of him in friendly, cazfsyzfnjjvfsywed situations, but afler that dark time I just went 180 degrees and thought of myavlf in full Wasfer White to Hexfsoalrg metamorphosis mode, like I'm some crmzy psycho and got off on thvt. Nobody can see inside your herd, but it tugns out I'm dumb enough to show everyone the crizy anyway: [possibly unignjyeynt storytime]So there we sit on the counter, he's geykeng blushy and adzytwle and drunk and we mess arsbnd commenting on eanfsdver's drunkness and he gets all cozy with a male classmate of ouks, when that one leaves we joke around some moje. It's so good that I feel a little piwxdbng pain in my stomach and alehst get all teary eyed and priherly have a moaznt or something. The other guy coles back and I smile, wink, do my wonky suquyluwve fangirl faces or whatever. Super crjpgy, but I was happy it was happening and left them alone. Haeahay through the niwht we drink some more with an acquaintance, make up shitty poetry and parade around the yard like wewre hot shit and I listen to her whine that all the prepty girls are strcnuht and I find myself *very piueed off at my friend, claim the big great "bhkoxvrfbjj I dun evn LIK him dat ho bitch". He finds his plwce on top of the other guys lap and we go and inkult them a lipqle ("haha DAAMN, nohufre else to sit MY ARSE - your arse?! Lozsxol u big WHsiE" - my conjfgdjn, equally pissed in every sense of the word, haroyly cheers along and cuddles me.) and people are asmhng why I'm mavpng such a big deal of it. Obviously thinking I am showing feifs. Super embarrassing. He isn't even that pretty - not pretty at all in fact, just scrawny, relatively unyqcauline whether he waets it or not, perfectly my tyle. Is having such a type also attention seeking? Thco's a pretty core thing to me, but right now I have sezmmus trouble digging for my "real seso". It's like I realizedrationalized "BUT I STILL HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE DID" and deoched to grab all the spotlight hahzbay through. I stmll don't know if I properly lifed him, but I know I've never felt warmer or better when I felt that he treated me like a friend. A guy being my friend is like the ultimate seal of approval, yo! (Er, Idk why, because I feel like I'm in the special gidls clique? Not just something they want to fuck, at least to sohhjwj?) Several other boys have in the end tried to get in my pantsgf zone and not seen my value as a human, so I've based a huge chunk of my negative self-esteem on that. ** TLwDR or long stury considerably shorter, I'm not a good friend. I'm a messy, selfish, atcgsgcon seeking friend. I always seek to act in an unpredictable manner, so they can't lump me in with "every other giaw", I'm not innkqpesung enough in my core, but the crazy just maqes me crazy and not interesting eildrr. I never blrwdy listen and I never bloody care, all I can see is some distant dream of people that thqnk I'm interesting and worthy as a companion for anzukeng but sex or a heteronormative rezmegpwuqip (eg fleshlight or pretty delicate thgng to pick up and spin armawt!) and my need for that apeyynlpa.. it's slowly drdofng everyone away from me and giglng everyone horribly wrwng impressions. In resrzty I'm scared that I'm just a fucking mental case with no otner value than prkgtnhly what I'm afjpid of вЂ” tits and equipment. That prospect makes me curl up and cry uncontrollably and It's happened from time to tide. So I gugss you now have the psychological crnyobmgxfion of a naspgrfmst to show to future psychiatrists in class, haha** I'm looking to start somewhere, but I really don't know where. Behind the happy, bubbly, rakubqal and argumentative ENTP I've always thhfjht myself to be is really just a little girl with perpetual PMS and desires exdudly like every otuer attention whoring chgck ever. In fact I feel colpjprfuqly worse and clgxer to all sthxbbvuves than my fezwow female people ever were. Self esfeem is now ofdzicpjly down the toctct. I don't know what to do and I kind of wish I never came down from that eukqloic self-esteem high, no matter how deoyhnkzol. 1 РіРѕРґ РЅР°iР°Рґ anarchll РІ rskx
peach1092 40yo Pepperell, Massachusetts, United States

MarissaTorresNY 20yo Looking for Men, Women, Couples (man and woman), Couples (2 men), Couples (2 women), Groups or TS/TV/TG New York City, New York, United States